Purge

We are not our compulsions.

Yesterday, I felt the desire to purge for the first time in...well, a long time. For more years than not, I have battled some form of eating disorder or another. Sometimes active, sometimes just a whisper of a thought, it has been a presence in my life for two decades. It began when I was just a little girl, as pieces of my life and my body were harmed by people bigger than me--effectively removing my perceived notion of mastery over my fate. My appetite failed me often, and I discovered that I could completely control one thing that entered my body--food. I could control one aspect of my existence--shape. 

The body dysmorphia came later. Always naturally slight of frame, I eventually became obsessed with avoiding becoming anything more than skin and bones. Did my neck crease in on itself if I turned a certain way? What did my jawline look like from that angle? Were my collarbones prominent enough? How far could I cause the concave of my stomach to collapse? And of course….the thigh gap. If I was small enough, maybe men wouldn’t look at me that way. Maybe I could hide. Maybe I could cease to exist completely.

The day I finally gained the upper hand in this war was the day I realized I was having a daughter. There are many things I want my children to know--but love, joy, and self-control are high on that list. We love ourselves first, always. We find joy in the pleasures of life, because we are indeed built for pleasure. What other people think of us is none of our business--we are not responsible for other people’s thoughts and struggles. We DO control how we respond to life’s challenges, and other people’s choices. 

It is important to me that my daughters understand that they are not responsible for the thoughts or actions of men. The way they move, speak, dress, or act is a reflection of their own tastes and feelings--do what feels like love. Not what reeks of fear or envy. It is important for me that my sons understand that they are powerfully in control of their own minds and choices. They are all, at their core, deeply good. This is what I wish we could all understand down to the marrow of our bones. We are wonderfully made. We are good. We are loved. We are enough. 

Years of therapy, healing, and constant inner work have gotten me to a place of such growth, I sometimes forget just where I have come from. Then my need for control gets the better of me, and I find myself facing compulsions I have not battled against in ages. We all have them. They all manifest in their own way. I have several actually….this is just the most consistent. For some, it is having just one more drink. Lashing out at those around us with our words. Calling up the person you know will always be down to come over when the loneliness is too much. Eating until we can no longer feel the emptiness. The impulse to harm ourselves wears many masks. 

It isn’t whether or not we face compulsions, but what we do when they arise that speak to our level of healing. In this time of uncertainty and change, we may find ourselves staring old demons in the eye--but we are capable of so much more than they. Our truest voice is the one that speaks love--it is always there--we just need to come back into connection. Retune to the voice of truth. Find someone who can help you hear it, if the other noises are too loud.